Anxiety

For the past 7 years or so, I've been dealing with an anxiety disorder. It is technically a "generalized anxiety disorder", i.e. uncontrollable, excessive bouts of anxiety. Obviously it varies considerably from person to person, but I wanted to talk about my experience with it in hopes that it might touch someone who is also affected by a psychiatric disorder. To preface this whole recounting, I wanted to start by saying while this is an all consuming, terrible disease that I would never wish upon anyone, there are ways to manage it and live a relatively normal life. It may seem impossible for someone who is currently in the middle of this struggle, but I really want to emphasize that there are things that can help you manage it.

So let's start at the beginning. I started out having a normal amount of anxiety- I would get worried about a test or a recital, but it was a fleeting emotion that would go away once I was finished with that task. I was a fully functioning, relatively happy normal kid. While I encountered some family struggles as I grew up, I always had support of love ones and friends who became loves ones to help me through everything. I tended to be a bit of an overachiever, and liked to constantly be doing something. However, I was happy and able to balance everything harmoniously. 

And then college came. That's when everything changed for me. I was hit by my first bout of anxiety. I couldn't eat anything, I was hyper-vigilant, my heart beat was pounding fast, I couldn't concentrate or relax, and I was extremely nervous. Now my guess is that everyone has experience this feeling of intense nervousness before, but my problem was that it was constant. I would feel this way for weeks. It was almost as if the world had dimmed. I couldn't taste my food, I couldn't find the good or humor in anything, even colors seemed muted to me. All that was constantly on my mind was the nervousness. Nothing would relieve the terrible feelings that I was experiencing. I would have panic attacks and have no idea why I was panicking. I seriously felt like I was on the brink of something catastrophic and the most frustrating part was I had no idea why I felt that way. 

I would drive to class in complete panic. I had to convince myself to sit through lectures, holding on to the edge of my chair trying not to bolt out of the room because of the panic I was feeling. It was a battle throughout my whole first semester. It took everything that I am to keep myself seated in those classrooms, when I felt like I was in mortal danger. I had no sense of happiness, or laughter or contentment. It was all about finding things to keep my attention away from the ever present nervousness that was right underneath the surface. 

I decided that I needed help. This in and of itself was hard for me to do. There is such a stigma against mental health disorders in the United States. I didn't want to admit that something was wrong with me, but I couldn't keep living like that either. It was the worst I have ever felt in my life. So I eventually went to psychiatrist and was able to start on medication. Unfortunately, it takes a couple of months to ramp up the amount I needed in order to feel "normal" again. So I had to battle that fall semester of my freshman year, through all 4 months. Finally, I started to feel the improvements and was able to begin enjoying things in life again. I found my laugh and smile again. Food had flavor, and the world wasn't a muted version of itself anymore. 

Over the years, I have gone through difference phases of high anxiety times and times when I felt completely normal. Changes in my life became much harder for me to deal with. Anxiety forced my hand in a lot of decisions I made during college, which I am not proud of. But I was able to hold everything together and hide it from most people so on the surface, I was just a normal, high achieving college student. I found things to manage the anxiety and lived a relatively normal life for a few years.

Then I moved across the country for the guy I loved. He got an amazing job offer in Portland, OR (where I had never been before) after graduation, and I told him that he should take the job and I'd move out there for him. As I mentioned earlier, huge life changes really were tough to handle coupled with an anxiety disorder. I was able to find the help I needed to battle the new and probably worst bout of anxiety I had ever faced. I was fortunate to find a great job at an awesome company out in Portland, and started making friends with our coworkers. There were many times when I thought I'd never make it through this move successfully. But my love for my boyfriend and his unwavering support got me through to the other side. 

It's been over 3 years now I'm engaged to that same supportive guy and have some amazing friends, with a wonderful dog and house to call our own. We both are happy with our jobs and are really happy with our new home in the Pacific NW. I am truly so happy for all of these things, and I know that the battle I have fought through the bouts of anxiety was completely worth it. While my anxiety will never be completely "gone", I have a tool kit full of coping mechanisms to help me through it. 

So that's my story so far. Obviously people who have generalized anxiety disorders have a lot of different experiences, but I hope that sharing mine might somehow support someone who is going through anxiety or just something that seems insurmountable. The battle is worth it. You are worth it. Don't give up. 

Protein Powder

This next post was prompted by a text conversation between me and 2 of my girlfriends that I had a few months ago. We are all running Hood To Coast in August (a relay from Mount Hood through Portland, OR down to the Pacific Ocean via Seaside Beach) and have begun training for it. This is of course is accompanied by many sore muscles. Naturally the idea of hydrating, stretch, and foam rolling instantly came to my mind, but one of my friends also mentioned that she would drink a protein shake 1 or 2 times a day to help repair her muscles after a workout. I've occasionally tried protein shakes every now and then, but after talking to my friend and reading about it online, I realized that I was probably not getting enough protein through my regular diet and needed something extra to help with recovery.

Here's what I ended up finding out. For a normal person, you are supposed to eat 0.36 * your body weight in pounds in grams of protein. So for a woman who weighs 130 pounds, you should consume at least 47 grams of protein a day (more if you are physically active). I started doing the math and realized that there were some days that I wasn't even close to hitting that number. That was definitely a good wake up call for me. It also started to explain why I seemed to suffer from sore muscles more often than the average person. In the end I started paying attention to my protein intake and have already noticed a difference in the amount of time it takes me to recover from a workout and the amount of soreness I feel the next day.

Now let's talk protein powder. Since I don't want to be eating a ton of meat each day and I'm really not great about eating enough vegetable based proteins, I knew I would need some extra help somewhere. Enter in the protein powder idea. I used to think only frat guys who spend every day in the gym staring at themselves in the mirror while lifting weights would drink protein shakes. I didn't want to bulk up but wanted to recover quicker and build long lean muscles. However, after doing research I discovered that lots of perfectly normal looking women drank protein powders and that it was more universal that I had originally thought. So I decide I'd give it a go and try it out.

After trying a few different kinds, my favorite is Vega One Protein Powder. There is a nutritional shake as well as a Vega Sport one, but I tend to just drink the nutritional all in one shake to get some extra greens into my diet. French Vanilla is definitely the best flavor, and I tend to mix it with water or soy milk. I will drink it after a big work out or an hour before I go to bed so my muscles and rebuild while I'm snoozing.

Vega One seemed to be the most cost efficient (I tried Shakeology but didn't think it was worth the crazy price), tasted the best (I tried a few that I really didn't like at all), and seems to produce the best results (I bought a few different cheap kinds but didn't seem to get the same feeling as I did with Vega). I also bought a blender bottle ($10-$15) that helps break up all the chunks and gives a smooth texture to your protein shake. I've heard about other incorporating protein powders into smoothies, milk shakes, coffee, baked goods, etc, but I find drinking protein shakes works just fine for me. 

I will continue to see how the protein shakes make me feel, but overall I am really glad that I found one I liked and works for my body (doesn't cause my stomach problems) that also tastes decent. I'd recommend trying out different kinds until you find one that works well for you. Of course it isn't for everybody (there are those amazing people who get the perfectly balanced diet every day), but for those of you looking for a protein increase, give it a try. 

Running Groups

First off, I need to apologize for the lack of posts for the past couple of months. Between the holiday break and getting closer and closer to my wedding date (a little over 3 more months to go!) things kind of got crazy and blogging sort of fell off my radar. However, I do want to be better about posting, especially since I keep coming up with new ideas of things to write about. Clearly I need some kind of environment to chat, even if it ends up to only be me reading these posts in the end. Alright, now that I got all of that covered, let's jump into my experience so far with running groups.

A few months ago, I joined one of my friend's running groups. I was worried about joining a group, because I am a relatively slow runner (9-10 minute per mile pace on a good day) and I didn't want the pressure of keeping up with a fast pace. However, my friend assured me that the group is very social and more supportive than competitive. Now that's my style!

I had originally tried running with another group, but found that the pace was way too fast for me and I couldn't really enjoy myself or talk to other people since I was out of breath for the majority of the time. In the end I came to the wrong conclusion that running with people wasn't for me. I'm glad I was able to give running groups a second chance and was able to find one that really fit with what I wanted. So as you can probably tell from earlier posts, I'm a list maker through and through and jotted a few things down that I really enjoy about running with a running group.

1. Makes the time go by quicker- I was really surprised by this one because I don't listen to music when I go out with the running group. I thought that a 2 hour run would drag by, but surprisingly it actually goes by faster than it used to. It's a lot of fun to be able to chat with people about everything and anything while being in a pressure free environment.

2. Try out new routes- I tended to do the same long run path over and over again since I was always worried about trying a new route and getting lost or having to run longer than expected. I didn't realize how extremely boring it was. I'm lucky that the person who organizes the running group (whom we like to call our fearless leader) always has a fun new route to try and never gets us lost. It really is great being able to learn new routes for future reference.

3. Meet new people, and not in a superficial way- If you are going to sweat with someone for miles, you definitely bond with them pretty quickly. I love being able to meet a diverse set of people who all share a common interest.

4. Motivation- It is very motivating to know that the group is going to always run at the same time on the same day week in and week out. It makes it super easy to plan around (not that I would probably be awake at that time if it wasn't for the group anyways!). It really motivates me to go every week just to catch up with the people.

5. It's healthy because you are indeed running- Talk about killing two birds with one stone- you can chat AND do something extremely healthy at the same time. It's kind of the best thing ever.

6. Get tips from other runners- This was one benefit I hadn't thought of before but has become so valuable to me. It is so helpful to be able to talk about any problem areas you are having and if other runners have experienced similar things. It is also helpful to see other people's good habits and adopt them for yourself. One example is eating some kind of energy gel once every hour and making sure you have enough water to follow up on each gel. I notice I start to fade if I don't eat something to refuel my body.

I also began carrying a water pack (which is the best!) since I saw others doing it. If nothing else, I learned those great tips from my fellow runners.

7. Learn about upcoming races- Although I am often perusing runningintheusa.com, it is nice to hear about fun races people have done in the past or are going to do in the future.

8. Safety in numbers- For whatever reason, I feel a lot safer when I go out for a run in certain parts of the city when I'm with a bunch of other people. It's easier for cars to see a decent size group over just one person. Plus it's nice to have extra eyes to look for oncoming traffic.

9. Keeps you accountable- you want to make sure you put in those shorter runs each week so you are ready to go on the long runs during the weekend. If you don't, you will definitely be feeling it during the run which makes it harder to chat with people (since you will likely be out of breath).

10. Fun! I've had a blast so far with this group. I feel really lucky that I was able to find such an awesome group of people who are interested in running and fitness just like I am.

While I'm sure there are other reasons out there that are motivating me to keep running with my group, these are the ones that seem to stand out in my mind so far. Hopefully this might convince some of you to try something new, even if it isn't specifically a running group. Joining a club or group is really a great way to meet people when you are an adult, plus it helps motivate you to continue pursuing your interests and hobbies.

Items To Always Have On Hand

Dan and I had a tough week. Between both of us having a stomach virus and a power outage for half a day, I've been VERY thankful for some stored essentials in our house. There also a couple of things I wish we had and I'm definitely going to buy them off Amazon before another crazy week occurs. Hopefully this list could help supplement what emergency items you already have in your house.

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Dealing with being sick
1. Clorex Wipes- I love these things.
2. Carpet Cleaner- we used a pet carpet cleaner since that's what we had on hand and it seemed to be fairly effective.
3. Lots of Paper Towels- We only had a couple of rolls, but I'm glad we had them on hand.
4. Extra change of clothes
5. Trash Bags
6. Buckets/Large Bowls- Always have this by your side just in case.
7. Bleach- Just a little bit of this in a toilet really kills the germs and smells.
8. Hand Soap- Lots of it to prevent spreading it to other people.
9. Ginger Ale/Gatorade/ Pedialyte- I found it good to mix up the fluids I drank to keep it interesting. At first I would stir the ginger ale until the bubbles were gone, but eventually I made it to drinking it straight from the can.
10. Saltine Crackers- There is nothing better at settling a stomach than saltine crackers. Always have some of these on hand (and make sure they aren't stale).
11. Soup- A few different varieties came in handy, especially since Dan was also sick.
12. Over the counter medicine- Tylenol, Pepto Bismal, NyQuil, etc.
13. Tissues- Not really for stomach bugs, but good for colds. I'm a fan of the lotion tissues when I have a cold to help prevent "tissue burn".
14. Non-Caffeinated Herbal Tea- chamomile and peppermint are my favorites.
15. Applesauce- part of the BRAT diet (bananas, white rice, applesauce, and white dry toast) to eat when you are recovering from a stomach bug.
16. Thermometer

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Power Outage
1. Bottled Water- While your water should fine, its easier than fumbling with a glass to get something to drink.
2. Flashlights- With working batteries in a place where you know they are.
3. Standing Lantern- I got these off of Amazon. They are compact, very bright, and automatically turn on when you pull the lantern open. Plus they operate on AA batteries, so we didn't need to get special batteries for them.
4. Extra Batteries- for said flashlights and lanterns.
5. Plenty of food in the pantry to eat- granola bars, crackers, etc. We kept our fridge closed in order to keep the temperatures cooler so our food wouldn't spoil.

Hopefully none of you encounter the stomach bug or have a power outage in the same week, but it's always good to be prepared!

Pumpkin Pie From Scratch

For Thanksgiving this year, I decided to buy a couple of pumpkins and make 2 pumpkin pies from scratch. I always liked pumpkin pie, but I never thought it was anything to write home about. However, I never had real pumpkin pie as a kid, and boy does that make a world of difference. One of my friends actually tried the pie and asked what kind it was. When I told her it was pumpkin, she was surprised because she said she normally doesn't like pumpkin pie, but she liked this one! Definitely the best compliment I could have received.

I used a recipe from Sun Gold Farms, an Oregon Farm that sells produce at my local farmers market. I bought the sugar pumpkins at my farmers market and asked if they happened to have a recipe for pumpkin pie. I was in luck- they had a recipe printed up ready to go (they must of heard this question before). I decided to start cooking my pumpkin the day before Thanksgiving to save some time and oven space on the day off. Let me tell you, nothing makes your house smell more delicious than roasted pumpkins and pumpkin seeds. Here are the ingredients I used.

2 cups cooked pumpkin
2 eggs, lightly beaten
3/4 cup sugar
1-12 oz. can evaporated milk
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/8 tsp ground cloves
1/4 tsp ground nutmeg

Start by preheating your oven to 350 degrees.  Wash pumpkin and cut off stem.  

Cut the top of the pumpkin off (like you would if you were making a jack-o'-lantern). Remove seeds from inside and cut in half. I placed the seeds into a colander and rinsed them off, because I wanted to roast them. I'll come back to that at the end of the post. 

Place cut side down in baking dish filled with 1/8 in water.

Bake in oven for about 1 hour or until soft to the touch.  Let the pumpkins cool to the touch. 

Scoop out flesh and put it into a food processor or Vitamix. It was easy to use a normal soup spoon to scoop out the flesh, since it was literally falling off the skin. Keep the flesh and throw away the skin.

Pure the pumpkin flesh. 

I had to stop my Vitamix a couple of times to push the pumpkin down, but it all blended into a nice thick paste after a couple of rounds.

Since I roasted the pumpkin the day before to get some prep work out of the way, I rationed out 2 cups of pumpkin puree into containers to use on Thanksgiving and stuck them in the fridge. 

When ready to cook the pie, preheat oven to 425 degrees.  Combine pumpkin, sugar, salt and spices.   Blend in beaten eggs and milk.  Pour into unbaked pie shell (I made one with 1 1/2 cups crushed graham crackers, 1/3 cup sugar, and 6 TBSP of melted butter pushed into a non stick 9" pan).  Bake 15 min. Reduce heat to 350 degrees and bake 45 min. more or until knife inserted into center comes out clean.  Makes one 9 " pie.

Serve it with some ice cream and whipped cream for the full pumpkin pie experience. So delicious!

As I mentioned above, I decided to rinse off the pumpkin seeds and roast them. I tossed them with a little bit of olive oil and salt and laid them flat on a cooking sheet. I baked them at 300 degrees for approx 45 minutes.

I was so surprised by how good these tasted! Definitely don't skip out on this step. You can toss them on a green bean/broccoli casserole, in a salad, or on the side of a cheese plate. I personally just munched on them while I cooked on Thanksgiving, and they were the perfect snack. 

How to Stay Fresh with an 8-5 Office Job

As the old cliche goes, holding an office job can be a grind. I'm lucky enough to work on the west coast, which tends to have a more relaxed culture than an office job in say NYC. My commute really isn't bad, I don't work crazy amounts of hours, and my company is supportive of work life balance. All of these things combined really do a wonder for me, but there is still the monotony of working the same hours every work day for years and years. However, there are some things that can help keep that repetitive feeling at bay and can give you a little extra something to get you through the day.

Here are just a few ideas that can help make an office job a little less monotonous.

1. Work out during the day- I know this isn't really an option for some people, but I find even taking a 10 minute walk outside can allow for a nice break to recharge my brain. The company I work for is very supportive of taking time during the day to get a work out (which is awesome!). I purposely come in a little earlier to offset the time that I spend on my work out. After a good workout I usually feel more energized, positive, and motivated.

2. Meet your cube neighbor- It is always nice to have a few friendly faces around during the work day. I find that chatting a bit with people around you and getting to know them helps create a nice environment to work in. It gives me a little extra motivation to come into work and see how my coworkers are doing. Plus it can help keep you up to date on what is happening in other functions of the business.

3. Drink lots of water- I'm guilty of not drinking enough water most days. I have to constantly remind myself to take breaks and drink water, or I will end up cranky and dehydrated. I like to have a couple different water bottles and mugs stashed at my desk for that specific purpose. Being hydrated helps keep me energized, as well as forces me to get up every couple of hours to run to the bathroom or grab more water from the break room.

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4. Snack time- there is nothing worse than being hungry during an office job. Make sure you have some (relatively) healthy snacks stashed at your desk for those times when your stomach is talking to you but you don't have time to run to the cafeteria for some food.

5. Get away for lunch- since I normally work out during my lunch hour, I usually eat my lunch in front of my computer working. However, I notice that the days I don't leave my desk to work out during lunch I end up super tired by the end of the day. Obviously there will be days when you don't have time to take a break, but make that an exception to the norm. It is important to give yourself a break in the middle of the day to give your brain a break and recharge your body.

6.  Make your work space comfortable- make sure your desk is a good height for you, as well as your chair and your screen. If you are going to be sitting in that position for hours a day, make sure that it is an ergonomically correct one or you might start to get back or neck pain.

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7. Music- When I have hit my caffeine limit for the day and I am lagging in energy, I will put on my headphones and listen to some upbeat music. It really helps re-energize me and give me that little extra push I need. Podcasts work just as well. If I am working on something particularly hard, I will use a white noise website (Simply Rain is my favorite) to help drown out the office chatter without distracting me with lyrics.

8. Stretch- Again, this seems obvious but it is something that is easy to skip out on during a busy work day. Every couple of hours stand out, stretch out your arms and legs (or any other part of your body that holds tension- usually it is the shoulders for me). Stretching will help get your blood moving, which is exactly what you need after being stationary for hours on end.

9. Plans for the week night/weekend- having fun plans during the upcoming weekend or after work (happy hour!) does help me stay motivated throughout the week. It gives me a light at the end of the tunnel and reminds me that my life isn't only about working in an office.

10. Actually take your PTO (paid time off)- This is really only an "American" problem. A lot of people won't use their PTO, or if they do they end up working through the day anyways. It's important to take those extra days to recharge your battery (especially if you are sick), get personal things done, or go on a vacation. It helps bring you a new perspective on things, and the rest is good both physically and mentally. I think work life balance is extremely important and that everyone should use their PTO to help contribute to this balance. If that doesn't convince you to use your PTO, at least use them when you are sick. Don't be that guy who comes into work sick just enough times to get all of your coworkers sick. You won't be making any friends, trust me.

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11. Take a break and breath- there are times when I simply need to close my eyes and breath for a minute or two. It's completely fine- let yourself do that. This mini break helps bring self awareness to your body and gives you a moment to refocus your attention.

12. Record and reflect on your progress- when the monotony really gets me down, I will take some time to reflect on the progress I have made in my job so far. Writing all of this down will help you remember that you are progressing in your career, with the bonus of having it ready for your mid-year and year-end review with your manager.

13. Get enough sleep the night before- pretty self explanatory. It won't happen every night, but it is a good thing to strive for so you aren't forcing your eyes open during an 8am meeting (unless you are an overbearing manager...).

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14. Touch base with someone about their job- similar to chatting with your neighbors, I find it invigorating and fun to talk to someone outside of my function to learn about their job works and how it fits into the organization. Not only will it make the work day a bit more interesting, but you may find a new position you'd like to pursue.

While all of these things sound pretty simple it is easy to let some of these standards slip when you have a deadline breathing down your neck. Sometimes intentionally taking a moment to breath and collect yourself can really help out, even if you are super busy. The same goes for when you find you have some extra time. Take that time to reflect about your job and how your recent habits have been. Hopefully this will help serve as a good reminder for those of you office workers out there!

Female Competitiveness

Recently I read an article written in the New York Times called "Why Women Compete With Each Other" by Emily V Gordon. She has a few different ideas about why women tend to pit themselves against each other. While she goes in depth into a couple different theories, it is the last one that she mentions in passing at the end of the article that really struck a chord with me. Not only is it easy to understand, but it is also something that I believe can be fixed with dedication, self love, and practice.

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"We aren’t competing with other women, ultimately, but with ourselves — with how we think of ourselves. For many of us, we look at other women and see, instead, a version of ourselves that is better, prettier, smarter, something more. We don’t see the other woman at all." (Emily Gordon). 

While the other theories she presented seemed interesting, I believe this one is behind a lot of the competition and jealousy feelings we may feel towards other women. And the most ironic part of it all is that it has nothing to do with them. Not really, anyways. It is about our own imperfections, and seeing someone who is better at something can remind us of those imperfections. However, these feeling tend to manifest themselves as jealousy towards another women, which makes it tricky to pinpoint the actual cause.

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Another article that relates to this topic is "The Best Thing You Can Do For Yourself -- And All The Women Around You" by Elizabeth Gilbert. For women these days, this comparison trap comes in a lot of different forms. It could be career or accomplishment based, a standard of beauty we wish to own, a solid relationship, being socially outgoing, the list goes on and on. I've been a victim of many of them too- wondering if I'm accomplished enough, smart enough, strong enough to continue forging a healthy and happy life. We are bombarded with these standards from multiple sources and have to struggle with them every day. And the tough part is that women can be unconsciously perpetuating this. Women like to make it look easy. That's one of those standards people hold themselves to- being extremely modest when it's not necessary. Women these days are forging a new frontier- working full time jobs, being mothers, continuing their education, juggling their social lives all while making it look easy. But why hide the struggle and work it took to get to where you are now?

Instead of hiding behind the "modesty" shield, I feel like women should begin speaking up about all the hard work it takes to accomplish a myriad of goals. This generation is really pioneering what it looks like to be a modern women. It's important to begin to set examples for the current generation of young girls who want to do it all. While it's not easy, it is possible to be successful at your job, healthy, a good invested parent, a strong friend, and good partner. I don't want women my age to shy away from wanting it all because they think its impossible.

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Because in the end, what does that comparison trap and modesty shield really do for you but cause stress for yourself and others? There are plenty of things that I tend to spend a lot of time worrying about that I will never be able to change. I will never be able to tan easily, or have long legs, or be as skinny as a model. If only women could channel similar thoughts like this into constructive things. We can strive to be kinder, more generous and helpful. We can take those negative thoughts and use them to propel us to a better version of ourselves, instead of wasting time worrying about those extra 5 pounds.

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It's about accepting yourself for who you are, and loving yourself fully (including your flaws!). If you do indeed fully accept yourself, you empower yourself with the confidence to strive towards being a well rounded world citizen. Instead of wasting time on doubting yourself or stressing out about something you can't change, take that energy and put it into something positive. Share your story with others and don't hide behind the modesty shield. We are all pioneering this new age of being a modern women and we can grow and lean on each other as we make the transition into this new social space.